Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I have aggressive nipples.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
