i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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