Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
