I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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