So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
