I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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