Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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