glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
