seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
