he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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