The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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