I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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