It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
