i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
