He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
