Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
