Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
