I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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