Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
