Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
