she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
