i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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