i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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