I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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