Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
