Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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