I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
