i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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