so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
