She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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