Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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