I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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