Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
