She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
tell me about the fingering
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
