New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
