Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
