I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
