in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
