I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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