It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
