his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
