if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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