You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
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