my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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