There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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