So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
