she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
