This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
