This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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