He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
