I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
