it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
