dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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